Of all the gin joints
by Mrs Gordo
Summary: Following her mother's death, Buffy finds herself in LA dealing with the beginnings of her depression. She runs into Angel and they share an interesting night together. Set post Epiphany on AtS and post The Body on BtVS. Neither Disharmony nor Forever has taken place.


Buffy sat on the front porch of her father's house. She tried to remember a simpler time. A time before vampires and hell gods, a time before watchers and slayers, a time before her mother's tumor, before her death. She shut her eyes so tight to try and find those memories but try as she did she couldn't find them. She felt only darkness inside her. There was a deep dark hole of despair and she couldn't see her way past it. But more than that she felt a numbness. It was the indifference that scared her. The inability to cry. It was her inability to _feel_ that frightened her more than anything.

She looked back at the door. Dawn was asleep inside her father's house. She was thankful that he had found a flight back from Spain so that he could be there for Dawn. She needed him. Buffy had learned a long while ago not to depend on Hank Summers but Dawn had not yet come to that conclusion. She was relieved when he had put on his supportive father pants, if only for this short time. If she was being honest with herself it took some of the pressure off of her. She felt overwhelmed with the sole responsibility of a teenage girl.

Buffy decided what she needed was a good slayage to clear her head. She wasn't going to find any good vampires in the burbs so she made her way to her mother's jeep. ' _Well I guess it's mine now._ ', she thought morosely. She got in the jeep and headed downtown.

After a few slayings and some demon butt kicking she followed some demons into a bar. It was the strangest place she had ever seen. There were demons and humans co-mingling. There was a very lively chaos demon singing "Billy Jean" on a stage, rather impressively actually. Buffy was looking on at the chaos demon when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Well as I live and breathe, little miss Slayerkins, in the flesh!"

Buffy turned around to see a tall green demon with red horns. He was dressed in the shiniest blue suit she had ever seen. She narrowed her eyes. "Do I know you?"

"Where are my manners? I'm Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan, but my friends call me Lorne, I'm the host of this fabulous establishment. And I'm just tickled to finally meet the infamous Buffy Summers. Although I wish I was meeting you under better circumstances cupcake, even without belting one note I can see you are having a hell of a day. Here, let's have a seat and you can tell papa Lorne all about it."

He turned to the waiter passing by, "Two sea breezes doll, and for heaven's sake use the Grey Goose. Oh and make hers a double, she needs it."

He ushered her to a booth and sat across from her. Buffy stared at him confused, "Umm so I'm going to ask this again, have we met? How do you know my name?"

Lorne gave her a bit smile. "Well, we have a mutual friend."

It took only a moment for Buffy to understand who he was talking about and her body stiffened. She looked around for a moment before Lorne chimed in. "Oh don't worry he isn't here, not right now, anyway. But he comes around often. I've even had to listen to him sing that god awful song Mandy so I could read him."

Buffy's curiosity was peaked, "what do you mean _read him_?"

"Well I'm an empath demon. I can read people's auras and when they sing I can see their souls and sometimes if the timing is right and the Powers are feeling extra helpful, I can see their futures. See that's how I recognized you. I saw your aura."

Buffy, always the skeptic, made a somewhat incredulous face as the sea breezes were set down on the table, "My aura? And what does my aura tell you, my name and social security number?"

Lorne laughed heartily. "No hun, but I can see that your aura just looks just like Angel's." Lorne winked as he took a nice sip of his sea breeze.

Buffy looked down and sipped greedily at her tall fruity vodka beverage finishing it pretty quickly and then letting out a little burp. "That was yummy. Much better than beer. I have a bad track record with beer. Can I get another?"

"Absolutely!" Lorne waived the waiter over and leaned over to him. "Just keep them coming she's had a tough week." The waiter nodded and headed off.

Buffy smiled sympathetically at Lorne. "Thanks. It really has been a tough week, year, 5 years give or take. My mom died. I've got a god trying to kill me and my family. My boyfriend left me." She grabbed the sea breeze that was brought over to the table before the waiter could put it down on the table and began chugging it down. She stopped for a moment and continued, "Now, even if I can manage to defeat this god, who by the way, _super strong_ , I don't know how I'll take care of my sister, manage a household, go to school, and slay. I mean, I don't even know how to cook and - and I don't know anything about income taxes and - did I mention I have a god trying to kill me?" She looked down a bit defeated. "And above all, I am worried that -" Buffy paused, she wasn't sure why she was divulging all of her inner most thoughts to this strange demon. Maybe it was the sea breezes or the demon singing "Stormy Weather" in the background but she felt herself open up. "- I worry that I'm losing the ability to love."

Lorne grabbed Buffy's hand across the table and gave her a little squeeze. "You know what I think? I think you need to sing for me. Let's see what I read from you. What do you think?"

"I think -" polished off another sea breeze "- I'm going to need more vodka."

Lorne looked over Buffy's shoulders and said, "Well honey buns, I'd stay and chat but you have a date to keep and I am not much for being a third wheel…"

Buffy was definitely already beginning to feel the effects of the three or four - she couldn't remember - sea breezes she had downed in a short period of time so she was doubly confused by Lorne's statement, "Date? What -" and she turned around to see Angel walking towards the table. He was dressed in a dark blue shirt and his mid length leather jacket. That jacket, she swore, was made just for him. It fit him perfectly. Why did he have to look so good. Couldn't he get fat or something?

Buffy turned back around towards Lorne and her eyes grew wide. LA's population has to be over three million people and yet inevitably this would happen. Lorne got up to greet Angel as he approached. Buffy kept drinking her fruity concoction but turned her head towards Angel and gave a forced smile.

"Buffy?"

Buffy dropped her straw and nodded, "Angel." That was, after all, the way she had always answered that question.

Lorne looked between the two ex-lovers. "Yes. Well, I'm off. Angelcakes, I assume you are here looking for Merle. He said you might come by. He had to leave town said something about you not bothering him again. Left me with a pretty big tab that slime ball."

Angel who was staring at Buffy in some confusion, looked back at Lorne and nodded. "Thanks. I'll track him down later. Nothing that can't wait."

"Angel, Buffy here is about four sea breezes into the night. Can I convince you to join us in enjoying one with us."

Angel gave him an incredulous look. "Let's just stick to bushmills. neat."

Lorne rolled his eyes and as he walked away Angel could hear him say. "You can take the Irishman out of Ireland…."

Angel sat in front of Buffy.

Buffy fidgeted nervously. "So of all the gin joints in all the towns…."

Angel gave her that small half smirk that he only reserved for her. "I think that's my line."

"Yeah well, I'm feeling like the Humphrey Bogart guy tonight."

"Rick."

"Yeah, him." Buffy said as she played with the lime in her drink.

"Buffy - Willow just called me a few hours ago. I'm so sorry about your mom." He reached across to grab her hand. She let him but stiffened at the touch. He picked up on her discomfort and let her hand go. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I called you but, well, you didn't answer."

Buffy nodded still avoiding eye contact. She didn't know what to say. She hadn't fully processed it all herself. Instead she avoided the conversation as Angel's whiskey was set on the table.

She smiled to herself as she continued to look down at her drink. "Do you remember how insistent you were about me watching that movie? I remember you had gone out and bought a TV and VCR just so I'd watch it with you." She laughed to herself.

Angel understood what Buffy was doing. She was avoiding the painful conversation of her mother's death. He allowed her the reprieve. "Yes." He smiled slightly at the memory. "You said you were, and I quote, ' _so not into old movies because honestly - so boring_ '. And I told you I was old too and you seemed to like me fine." She had kissed him and said if the movie was half as good as him she would love it. Because she loved him. He felt a small tinge of pain at the memory of their time together.

"I was so angry at Rick for letting Ilsa go. For choosing the mission over their love." For the first time since Angel sat down, Buffy _really_ looked into Angel's eyes. "I know it was just a few years ago but it feel like I was so naive back then. I didn't understand why he did what he did."

Angel couldn't help but think of the sacrifice he had made just last year. Of how he had given up his love when he decided that that he and Buffy belonged in the world fighting instead of with each other. But she didn't remember that day. That was only his burden to bear. "Do you think he did the right thing?"

Buffy starred off a bit. "Maybe. But it doesn't make me hate it any less." She looked over at his whiskey which he was nursing. She waived the waiter down and asked him for the bottle. "You need to catch up."

"Or you need to slow down."

"Don't start with me Angel. I can't deal with patronizing crap today ok? Are you going to sit and drink with me or not?"

"I'd rather you weren't alone."

"Good. Then join me."

Buffy decided they would play "Never Have I Ever" - the demon/vampire slaying edition. It turned into a competition of sorts in terms of who and what demons they had killed and how gross their battles had been. It had also accomplished the task of getting both of them pretty hammered as both of them, as it turned out, had slayed many a demon.

"Lorne wants me to sing for him." Buffy said her speech slightly slurred.

"You should do it." Angel responded.

"Hmmm. I will if you do it with me."

"No. No no no." Angel shook his head.

"Oh come on. What are you afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid." Angel said as defiantly as he could despite his drunken state.

"The one who should be afraid of your singing is me. That's right mister." She leaned in and tapped her temple. "A slayer always remembers."

"I'm not that bad. And you are just as horrible a singer as I am. Obviously your super slayer abilities didn't come with perfect pitch. In fact, if memory serves me right…and it does because you know - photographic memory-" he was poking her in the shoulder, "you are much worse than I am."

"Worse?!" Buffy shotback incredulously. "You are getting senile at your old age. No way am I worse than you!" Buffy stood up and put her hands on her hips. She swayed a little but found her footing. Her competitive edge had been peaked and so had Angel's. "Let's settle this." She grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him up on the stage.

Angel cracked his knuckles and whispered down to Lorne who approached the stage. He looked back at Buffy and smirked. "Let's do this."

The lights dimmed and Buffy heard the sound of a power keyboard kick on. She rolled her eyes and looked over at Angel. "You and your power ballads."

Angel looked back over to Buffy. " _You're_ the one who made me watch this cheesy dance movie." Then he turned back over to the mic and started singing.

 _I thought that dreams belonged to other men_

 _'Cause each time I got close they'd fall apart again_

 _I feared my heart would be in secrecy_

 _I faced the nights alone_

 _Oh how could I have known_

 _That all my life I only needed you?_

Both Buffy and Angel were now belting out in horrendously off key fashion. Neither of them showing any pity to the obvious pain they were causing the audience members with their equally horrible singing.

 _Oh, almost paradise_

 _We're knocking on heaven's door_

 _Almost paradise_

 _How could we ask for more?_

 _I swear that I can see forever in your eyes_

 _Paradise, yeah it's paradise_

When Angel started to sing the next verse he turned to look at Buffy.

 _It seems like perfect love's so hard to find_

 _I'd almost given up, you must've read my mind_

 _And all these dreams I saved for a rainy day_

 _They're finally coming true_

 _you know, I'll share them all with you_

 _'Cause now we hold the future in our hands_

Suddenly Buffy felt the words they had been singing felt too real and were hitting a little too close to home. She had the abrupt terrifying realization that she was in front of a large _demon_ audience. Buffy's eyes widened. She felt a strange sensation at the pit of her stomach. "Oh my God." She said quietly. She was going to be sick. She dropped the mic and ran off stage and towards the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. As the music continued to play behind her. She heard Lorne stepping in "Well wasn't that - something different Ladies and Gents? Let's get Lenny back up here."

Buffy had thrown up the many breezes she had had that night. She had sat in that bathroom stall for as long as she could but she knew at some point she would have to go out there and face the music. "Funny, the music." She said to no one in particular as she sat on the floor of the bathroom. She dragged herself to the sink and washed her mouth and face. She was thankful that there was some tiny travel sized mouthwashes available to her on the bathroom counter. 'Classy place.' She thought to herself. She looked into the mirror. She didn't really recognize the image of the woman staring back at her. She felt like a shell of who she was before.

She made her way back towards the table where Angel was already sitting. Drinking a glass of what looked like O positive. He looked like he was sobering up. Vampires didn't stay drunk for very long. She sat down wearily across from him.

He looked at her with some concern. "I'm fine." She answered his questioning look. "Really. Just too many sea breezes and the lights were so bright and - well your singing is atrocious - it was just too much."

"Ok, do you want to talk about it?"

Buffy laughed a bit. "Talk. Talk about what? My mom? Or hmm how about the hell god who is trying to kill me and Dawn? Or do you want to talk about how I'm going to have to learn how to adult in five seconds flat now that mom is gone. And oh - yeah raise a teenager that doesn't even like me all that much. Oh I know - how about we talk about Riley? He left you know, just like you did. Well first he let himself get sucked off by vamp whores and then he blamed me for it and then he left me - so I guess not exactly how you did."

"He did what?" Angel's jaw stiffened he fought to control his anger.

Buffy sighed. "He said - he wanted to know why you had so much power over me. That's why he let those vampires bite him so he could feel wanted and needed." Buffy forgot for a moment she was talking with Angel and reflected on that thought out loud. "What an idiot. To think that he could understand what I shared with you by doing something like that." She looked up at Angel. He was looking at her intently. "He didn't get it, Angel."

"I thought you loved him."

"Not in the way he wanted or needed to be loved. The truth is, I wasn't there for him, not like I was for you."

Angel cleared his throat. Trying to control his feelings. Trying to be a supportive friend instead of the jealous ex-boyfriend. "Every relationship is different Buffy."

"No. It's not just that. I'm different. I don't think I can love anymore. And I don't think I'm as lovable as I was before. You wouldn't recognize me anymore, Angel. There is a darkness in me. I'm more slayer than the girl you knew. Do you remember when you told me on my 18th birthday, how when you first saw me, you saw that I held out my heart for everyone to see?" Angel nodded slightly. "Well I don't anymore. I don't even know where my heart is sometimes. I plan, I hunt, I slay, I protect my friends and family. But the stronger I become, the closer I get to my nature - that slayer within - the more I feel this darkness. I'm not the same girl you fell in love with Angel. Not anymore."

Angel gave a small incredulous laugh. "Buffy, I'm a pretty old vampire. I've been around for 250 years. Angelus, he knew slayers - very well. So I've always known where your power comes from. I have always known there is a darkness in you. You forget that I fought alongside you for three years, don't you think I saw how you found it thrilling to fight your opponent? How you became restless at night if you weren't out slaying? How you enjoyed the thrill of the hunt? How turned on you were after a battle?" He looked down uncomfortably at that comment, it was the damn whiskey talking. He swallowed hard and continued. "Give me some credit Buffy. I know you. You are a slayer, it has always been in you. And it doesn't make me love you any less. Sometimes I think it makes me love you more."

"Love?"

Angel looked away for a moment. He didn't want to get into a conversation with her about how he still, and would always love her. Not right now so he avoided her question. "The only thing that has changed is now you are learning to embrace it. You need to learn to find a balance. Faith, she is an example of a slayer that allows the darkness to consume her. But you, Buffy you have an inner strength that I have never seen before. That is one of the things that sets you apart from those before you. You need to give yourself time. You will find a balance. Believe me. I've been living with a literal demon trapped behind a soul for nearly 100 years. It's all about balance. Don't let the darkness eat you up, Buffy. Everyone has their demons. Ours are just given names Angelus, Slayer, but everyone to some extent has to battle their darkness."

"God that's the most I've heard you speak consecutively to me in … well ever."

Angel shrugged.. "Irish whiskey, it makes me chatty."

Buffy noticed the change in Angel's mood. She could tell that this was more than about her. "Did you let it?"

"Did I let it what?"

"Let the darkness consume you?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"Darla."

"Darla? Who you killed 4 years ago? Angel how much have you had to drink?"

Angel shook his head. "That evil law firm I've told you about, they brought her back. They wanted me to lose my soul to her. Or maybe they wanted to drive me nuts."

Buffy scoffed. "That's crazy. You would never be stupid enough to sleep with her."

Angel shifted uncomfortably and looked down into his blood.

Buffy's eyes narrowed as she observed Angel's reaction. And the realization came to her.

"You slept with her. Oh God. Did you lose your soul?"

"No! I mean, yes I did sleep with her. I had been driven to a point of utter hopelessness. I felt so incredibly numb. I let the darkness take the reigns. And I just wanted to feel something else. Something besides the cold I felt inside me. So I gave in. I knew I wouldn't lose my soul." He looked at Buffy. "It's not about the sex Buffy, the curse is broken only when I achieve perfect happiness. I wasn't going to find that in bed with Darla. But in that moment I gave up. I stopped fighting. You told me that fighting was hard and every day but for that moment I didn't want to fight anymore. I was weak."

Buffy looked on at Angel. She felt so many emotions. First, she was jealous. She knew that he and Darla had a bond that spanned 150 years. A bond that she would never know or understand. And that he had fallen back into bed with her, she couldn't deny that filled her with anger.

But she also felt sympathy for him. And she felt sad that she wasn't there to help him through his dark times. The way she was able to be there for him before when he wanted to end his life. He wanted comfort. That he had to take comfort in the arms of demon that turned him because she was the only one there for him, it made her sick. And actually, literally it was starting to make her feel sick to her stomach again. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself.

"I need to take a walk. Get some fresh air." She got up and looked back over at him as she put on her sweater. "Are you coming?"

Angel assumed Buffy would be upset so he was surprised when she wanted his company. Angel got up quickly. "Oh yeah. Of course, I thought...maybe..."

"Come on." She said. He followed her out of the bar.

They walked along in silence for a long while. Step in step. She had missed how Angel would match his rhythm with hers. They always felt in sync. Even after all of their time apart and it still felt like slipping into an old comfortable sweater. It frightened her, how comforting his presence was. To be reminded of what she couldn't have. To be reminded of this feeling of security that could never be hers.

"Buffy… I - I'm sorry about…."

She gave a sad smile. "You have nothing to apologize for Angel. Not to me. We aren't together. I was in a relationship with someone else too. It would be foolish of me to think that you were over here in LA just pinning away while I gave moving on a try." Although if she was honest with herself, she had always hoped that somewhere out there Angel was loving her the same as she was loving him. From a distance. Waiting for something to change.

"I know. I know all of that but, it still feels like I betrayed you in some way." Angel confessed quietly.

"You betrayed yourself not me. But I understand that urge to want to feel something besides the cold. Besides the numbness that eats you up. I think I can see how it could drive a person to do the unimaginable." They had walked up to the 6th street bridge and Buffy hopped on the ledge facing Angel. "So how did it work?"

"Hmm?"

"Sleeping with your mortal enemy? Did it help? Do you recommend it?"

Angel's eyes narrowed and he squared himself in front of Buffy. Through slightly gritted teeth he said, "It brought me some clarity but, no. No, I don't recommend it as a rule. Why? Did you have someone in mind?" Angel's jealousy was palpable. He was never any good at hiding it.

Buffy smirked a little. She sought some comfort in his reaction. "Just keeping my options open is all." She swung her feet against the concrete.

Angel looked away for a moment and sighed. He looked back over at Buffy who was still looking directly at him.

"I'm still trying to do that forgetting thing. Ya know?"

Angel walked closer to Buffy so that he was just inches away. He swept a piece of her hair back behind her ears. "What forgetting thing?"

"We said we would keep our distance and given enough time we would be able to forget. I'm still working on that forgetting part." Buffy looked down at her locked hands. Aware of Angel's proximity. She could smell him. That familiar smell of soap and musk. She needed some contact. Something to connect her to him. She leaned her forehead on onto his chin and closed her eyes. She felt his lips graze her forehead.

"You said that. Not me." Angel's voice vibrated through her.

"Because you left."

"Because I had to."

She looked up at him. Tears filled her eyes. "Maybe. But it doesn't make me hate it any less."

"I know." He touched her cheek. "Buffy." He touched his hand to her heart. "I still see your heart. You still love just as fiercely as you did the first day I met you. It's still in you. And all of these other obstacles that you have to face, you will get through it. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you _are_ strong. You're gonna figure this out. I can go with you to Sunnydale. I can stay with you for as long as you need."

"How's forever? Does forever work for you?" Angel looked into Buffy's eyes and his heart broke. He wanted to take her pain away. He wanted to comfort her and love her. He wanted to protect her from every sorrow of this life. But he knew he couldn't do that. For one, they couldn't be together for all of the reasons he had left her before. But also, he knew that Buffy had to find her inner strength. She had to overcome this hurdle on her own. And he knew she could. Because he still saw that burning fire in his Slayer's eyes. He saw pain and loss and sadness but he still saw her strength. He knew she would overcome this.

"Buffy...if..."

"Shh." She placed a finger over his lips. "I know." She leaned her forehead to his and closed her eyes again. "I know, Angel."

She pulled away and she sighed. "Do you think… do you think maybe Rick goes and finds Ilsa after the war? When everything is over? When their circumstances have changed and they can be together?"

"I do." Angel thinks of the promise of his shanshu. It may never come. It may come after her lifetime. And for those reasons he won't tell her but still he wants her to know on some level. "I think as soon as he can, he goes and he finds her. Because he loves her. He will always love her."

Buffy gives Angel a small smile. "Thanks." She hops off the ledge and on to the street. She stares up into Angel's eyes and she wants to kiss him so badly. And that's how she knows it's time. "I guess I better go."

They walk back towards downtown. "I can drive you home. My car's at Caritas." Angel says.

Buffy shakes her head and as they reach a main street she hails a cab. "I'll just take a cab." The cab pulls up and she reaches for the door. "But thanks Angel, I mean it. For… well I don't know but…this crazy night was what I needed." She gave him a small smile. The pain and sorrow still evident on her face. But she looked lighter to Angel. She turned to open the cab door.

"Wait." Angel grabs Buffy's hand and pulls her to him. He bends down and wraps his arms around her waist and gives her a passionate kiss. He knows it's wrong. He knows it's unfair. He knows he shouldn't. But for that moment he allows himself to kiss her like there is no tomorrow because in truth nothing is ever promised for them. She kisses him back with vigor, tip toeing and wrapping her hands around his neck. Holding her body as close as she can to him. Meeting the strength of his kiss. She pulls away first only because she needs to breathe. She moves towards the cab but holds Angel's hand still. She gives him a grin and says, "I'm the better singer."

He smirks and lets his hand fall away as she gets in the cab and it drives away. She doesn't look back at him. She looks forward. She has to look forward. She has a life to live. A life full of responsibilities. She needs to hold it together, for Dawn, for her friends, for her calling. For those people that she loves. Because Angel is right. She still loves. She loves with all of her heart. The darkness is still there but she won't let it beat her down.

Angel watches the cab drive away. He holds on to some tiny hope that it won't be the last time he kisses her. That it won't be the last time he holds her. He turns and makes his way back towards Caritas.

Angel arrived at Caritas where his car was parked. As he opened the door to the Plymouth he heard a voice from behind him.

"Quite the night wasn't it cinnamon buns? You are literally buzzing."

"I told you not to call me pastries." Angel turned to Lorne who was holding his usual sea breeze.

"Sorry, I'm feeling giddy over seeing you two. True soulmates are rare you know. Anyway, I never got a chance to tell her my reading. She has a tough road ahead of her."

Angel sighed. "She knows it won't be easy but she is the strongest person I know."

"That she is."

Lorne placed his hand on Angel's shoulder and squeezed. "It's not your time yet, to be together. But that time may yet come."


End file.
